You smell like stripper and shame
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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