You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize