I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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