just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
