just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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