I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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