if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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