Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
