I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
