I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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