it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
