It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
