I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
