I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
