Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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