just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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