Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
