I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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