I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
How external is "for external use only"?
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize