NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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