i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
