I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize