saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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