i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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