Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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