My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize