Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
