So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
