Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
