Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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