Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize