Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This is not my ceiling
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
