I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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