no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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