I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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