You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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