I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
