Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
