I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
