i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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