My cat gives me a boner
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
