I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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