my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I didn't notice because vodka
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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