I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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