I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You are a genius and a whore.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
