Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
