My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
