There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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