Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
