how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize