I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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