dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
