Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
