babies were throwing up all over the place
Say something about gay babies.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
