I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
