Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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