yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
